ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
