I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
