How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
