You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
