i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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