and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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