why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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