My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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