Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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