white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
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