i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize