My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
