9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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