**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
