I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
