Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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