I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
