You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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