I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
