I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
