Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
