Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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