So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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