tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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