My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
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