Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
