with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
