I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
