He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
