NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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