I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
