dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
