I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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