so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
