I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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