The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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