Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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