She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
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he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
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Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success