Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
