Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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