i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
