Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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