At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
