Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
In America we eat man semen.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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