my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
