We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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