I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
