I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
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her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
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Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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