oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
