and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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