My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
