I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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