I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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