Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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