the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
